In the Midst of Change

Chaos. It’s one thing to have the environment go wild around you, it’s a completely different beast when the turmoil is inside of you. Constantly making plans and having them be utterly smashed to pieces, change in ways you never thought imaginable and growth into things never intended. For someone who’s finally realizing they never really had felt stability…

Turns out I don’t actually like change as much as I thought.

Changing colleges, changing jobs, changing classes, changing travel plans, changing hair styles, changing ideas, changing health, changing familial issues, changing weight, changing houses, changing normals, changing cars, changing fitness levels, changing friend groups, changing counselors, changing relationships.

I have no words.

My EVERYTHING craves for stability.

My everything cries out for safety.

My everything longs for wholeness.

In the midst of all that change, God has chosen now to be the time to work on core defining trauma and hurt of my past. In the face of “mom-ing” broken and traumatized young girls, taking classes to finish my bachelors degree, discipling and pouring into the next generation of leaders from Detroit and surrounding areas, and ministering to my family… and this is the time for deep revolutionary intimate change? What even?

If I’m being real,

I’m annoyed… that it’s not perfect or easy, or in my timing.

I’m terrified...because I’m going to places within myself I’ve never been before, and am currently going through heart surgery as those around me are in the gallery viewing area, seeing all my insides that I’ve tried so hard to hide/ get rid of.

I’m grateful… because somehow despite myself, God chose me. They often say, you can’t lead others to places you’ve never been before. All the pain, hardness and warfare, I know there’s purpose on the other side.

On top of all the things listed above, as I write this, my dad is meeting with a neurosurgeon, to discuss upcoming extensive spinal surgeries.

Overwhelmed would be an understatement.

My heart is heavy, but as I type this, I know He will use this season for His glory. I have no doubt God has plans for good and not to harm me.. Saying that doesn’t negate sadness, grief, sorrow and messiness that is also included in that plan. God gave us emotions, and he himself has them and feels them.

So with all I have in me, I bring it to the one who has already overcome and who can stabilize, bring order and rest to my thirsty and weary soul.

Below are some verses that helped me and may help you too. ***

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11: 28-30

“I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” -Psalm 18:1-3

***

I think it’s important to mention that just you can’t just pull certain verses out of the bible that you want, you have to look at the whole of that passage and the context in which it was written. For the verses above I’d love to give a brief context and encourage you to dive into them yourself, sit with them and allow God’s word to transform your being.

-John 16:33 Jesus was speaking to his disciples about the fact that He wasn’t going to physically be with them forever, but that they have the power He had given them through His victory. He’s telling them that there are going to be hard times, sadness, persecution etc. but that they can have peace because their home isn’t this world and that Jesus has already overcome all of the things of this world. That if they rest in His victory and set their eyes on eternity, and on Jesus that they can realize that they too are victorious.

- Matthew 11:28-30 Just before these verses Jesus referenced His disciples as little children and spoke of the knowledge and blessing God had given them through Him. It shows the spiritual covering Jesus has for us to come under His teaching, protection and way, much like a child standing by their parent's side and allowing their parents to protect, nurture and soothe them. He invites us into that place of rest in His presence.

-Psalm 18:1-3 David wrote this psalm after God had delivered David from his enemies and from the hands of Saul. Psalm 18 can also serve as a broad picture of David's life. These particular 3 verses show the foundational beliefs David had, and connect to the rest of the psalm showing when the stability and strength is in the Lord victory and unfailing love (verse 50) is lavished upon God's chosen people. The whole psalm is a beautiful picture of man taking refuge in God, calling out to God, God answering, showing up and showing out, and man realizing the amazingness of God.

(You should really go through Psalm 18 line by line, its pretty beautiful and relatable)

Applicable Prayer: Lord, with so much going on, allow my whole being to rest knowing you've already overcome it all. Give me supernatural eyes to focus on eternity instead of what's right in front of me. Jesus, help my weariness. Help me to come under your yoke, to find refuge in your strength and to trust you on a deeper level. I allow you into the chaos that's inside and around me. Thank you for not leaving me the way I am. I trust you, I love you. Use this for your glory, amen.