God, Where Am I?
I feel disconnected, tired, cluttered, confused. Why was everything going so well, and now it’s not? Why does my emotional wellbeing seem to change on a daily basis? Why do I feel so far away from You God? Why does it seem like it’s impossible to spend time with You, to get into Your word, to pray? What am I even doing? I feel lost.
Maybe you’ve had some of these thoughts, are in this season or even just having this kind of day. Maybe you know someone that is.
If I’m honest, I find myself in days like this quite frequently. My world seems overwhelming, the piles of clothes seem to drown me, I hear the screams of my responsibilities in my ears, and heaven knows I’m definitely not trying to make my bed. My soul feels thirsty… yet there’s ‘no time’ to stop for a drink. I quickly tie up my spiritual running shoes and fill my spaces with tv, online shopping, reading, work, scrolling through social media, anything but taking the time to spend with Him. I do anything to numb the raging and achy growing pains. The pains of being sanctified, healed and stretched.
In Psalm 139 the psalmist describes that God knows when we rise and when we lay. There’s no place we can go where He can’t find us. He is acquainted with ALL of our ways. Not just some... but ALL. There are things about ourselves that He knows and we don't yet. He has the perspective, and the knowledge. Nothing surprises Him. In Psalm139:23 it says, “Search me O God and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts.” This verse isn’t saying God doesn’t know our hearts or our thoughts already. Actually, in Verse 1 of psalm 139, it says that He has ALREADY searched and known us. So why is verse 23 there? Why do we need God to search us?
Verse 23 is there so we can invite Him into showing us where we actually are. Is our heart out in the open, communing with Him? Is our heart running downhill at a breakneck speed? Or maybe our heart is hiding behind the bush… thinking God can’t see it.
Verse 7-12 the psalmist speaks of God’s omnipresence. Meaning He’s anywhere and everywhere. There’s no where we can go where He isn’t already there. While this is an overall comforting fact, but, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t also annoyed by this fact in moments of my life. I’ve wanted to do what I wanted, go where I wanted, and say what I’ve wanted to say. I’ve wanted to “take a break on Christianity”.
I can remember a couple of years ago, I was in a pit, so to speak. I was tired of everything being so hard. I was tired of constantly being challenged. I wanted to do what I wanted. I can actually remember this particular day. I was running late for some sort of function. Just before I was about to leave, I had come to the resolution that I was just going to stop praying altogether for a while. I wanted a break. I was getting ready and I couldn't find one of my shoes. I looked through my house multiple times. Up and down the stairs several times, ducking under my bed, throwing all the clothes in my room like a tornado… no shoe. Finally, in the midst of frantically searching I prayed (not intentionally) and literally seconds later my shoe was found.
I can remember how irritated I was that I had prayed. Irritated that I couldn't stop praying, irritated that I didn’t have a say of if I did it or not, irritated that I needed help. I was irritated that even when I wanted a break, even when I wanted space, there He was faithful and gracious. God isn’t a ‘take a break’ type of being, it’s not in His character.
“I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.” (Emphasis added) Hebrews 13:5, Deuteronomy 31:6
Looking back on that story, I can’t help but laugh and be grateful. I’m so grateful that he knew where I was and met me there. He met me in the bratty-ness, in the stubbornness, in me trying to reject Him. He met me when my heart wanted to run.
Prayer: Heavenly Father, I pray for those that are putting up idols between You and them. God, I pray in this time that You show us where we are in our hearts. Holy Spirit give us a temperature gauge. Oh, Jesus help us to tap into Your stability, to start embodying consistency and trustworthiness, especially with You. Lord, help us to stop and rest and be grateful that You surround us. Your presence and power are limitless. God help us to be faithful with and to You.
In Jesus name I pray amen.
Stop wherever you’re at.
Take a deep breath, or two.
Let those walls down.
Focus on just being there, knowing He is also there with you.
Ask Him to show you where you are, share what’s on your heart with Him.
Rest in knowing you are fully known & seen.
Rest in the truth that you are unconditionally loved.