HOLY SMOKES! It’s nearly been a year since I last posted. If that doesn’t give some indication as to this past and even current season of life, I’m not sure what does. I’ve sat down and even typed out blog posts several times, yet just couldn’t bring myself to finish. I couldn’t bring myself to be real about where I was. If I’m honest, I don’t even think I knew where I was. You ever been there? So disoriented that not only do you not know where you are, but you also don’t know how you are? The best I could muster is a spiritual groan from the depth of my being. One longing for connection and freedom and yet so overstimulated, overwhelmed and under-watered that it just couldn't possibly manage.
This past eight months have been full of excitement, changes, disappointments, adjustments, loss, and opportunity. I moved unto campus of my university I attend, joined a small group and made great friends. I learned how to live with two other new people and started tackling some of the deep seeded lies embedded in my very core. Just after my 25th birthday, my work life had gotten shaken to the core, I got rejected for a position at school, my car broke down and I lost close friends all within a day or two of each other. Naturally, I focused on something I could control. I started working on getting in shape, losing weight and building my strength back. Somewhere along the way I lost myself, or maybe I just realized that I had never really found her in the first place? Either way, my priorities and insecurities started to shift to the physical. Eyes only side glancing at Jesus when I “had time”, or when I just flat out couldn’t do it myself. That continued until a couple of days ago. I had a wakeup call, a meltdown, a crying so hard in the car experience that I had to pull the car over for the safety of everyone. My dad had two major surgeries last week, and while visiting him in the hospital, he had a serious medical emergency in which we got kicked out of the room and were replaced by a room full of medical personnel. Later when he stabilized, I had to leave to do something at my house and on that drive the stress, anxiety, pain, frustration and fear that had been at bay, causing numbness for months, had loudly burst forth.
Something had to change.
1 Peter 1: 5-7 “You are being guarded by God’s power through faith for a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. You rejoice in this, even though for a short time, if necessary, you suffer grief in various trials so that the proven character of your faith – more valuable than gold which, though perishable is refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus."
My priorities were off. I focused on being perfect and fixing instead of receiving, instead of trusting. And because of that, I ran myself into the ground and allowed my soul to be starved and my very spirit to be strangled. This perfectionism choked out the joy of creativity and being made in the image of the Great Creator. This fear of not being good enough, of disappointment and of vulnerability froze me in my tracks of seeking out community and of self-expression. I slowly self -isolated and lived on a small lonely island of my own making.
BUT... What would it look like and be like to live a life that valued my faith more than gold or other worldly measures? To prioritize the eternal instead of the already fading away. To accept the grace and love of a promised revelation and secure salvation. To just enjoy the journey of the path so intimately prepared for me instead of trying to cut away my own path. To stop throwing punches and resisting the gentle arms that see my hurt and so desperately want to hold me? Could this be the change I so desperately need?
Friend, I believe that answer is yes.
The invitation to walk in this freedom of eternity living is extended to you as well.
Prayer: Lord, would you help us to reorient our lives so that our lives reflect the true value of our faith, worth more than earthly treasures. Lord, we fix our eyes on you and trust you to have your way in our lives. Oh, Great Lover of our souls, show and allow us to experience the depth of our connection to you and the love that you have for us. Help us to live our daily lives with eternity mindsets, priorities and perspective. In your name Jesus we pray, amen.